Promises I Couldn't Keep
by Xx.Chelsea.Smile.xX
Summary: I promised myself I wouldn't think about Hikaru like that anymore... He would just think I'm weird, creepy, abnormal. But, as much as I don't want him to think of me like that, I just can't keep my promise... I love him too much. M for third chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to my very first Ouran High School Host Club fanfic! I seen this anime a long time ago and recently decided to re-watch it. And guess what? I fell in love with the twins all over again. So I wrote this, being the otaku that I am! I'm not sure if it's any good, so please R&R!**

**(Edit: I'm fixing all the errors in this and reposting it since I wrote it in WordPad, which doesn't have spell check.)**

* * *

"How are you, Hikaru?"

She keeps talking, and I keep not listening.

What did she expect me to say anyways? "Oh, same old, same old. Just going to try to kill myself again today"?

It's not like I want to die anyways. I just wanted to be different...

I wanted something I could visibly see - something I could look at - to remind myself that I'm _me._

Not Kaoru, _me._

Is that so wrong?

"Do you know why you're here, Hikaru?"

I want to scoff at that cliché line.

Dumb bitch, who do you take me for? I'm not a moron, I wasn't possessed by some demon when I did what I did.

So how could I _not_ know?

I guess she's thinking my parents _weren't _yelling when they seen, and Kaoru _wasn't _crying with his face buried in his palms, murmuring unintelligible sentence after sentence. Maybe she was thinking that they _didn't _ship me off to the hospital the moment they found me and _didn't _dump me on some stupid therapist right after I was released.

Could she really be that ignorant?

I fold my hand into a fist and lean my chin against it as I give her a half-lidded gaze.

She can tell I don't want to be here.

How do I know that?

Well, she purses her lips and crosses her legs, pushing her narrow glasses up the bridge of her nose as she states, "I can tell you don't want to be here, Hikaru."

My patience is slowly eroding down to a thread every time she opens her mouth. Is it just a therapist thing to say someone's name at the end of every sentence? Is it some way to get into your head or something?

"But, you know, Hikaru, it's a waste to drive all the way over here if you don't even talk to me."

Oh, right. Of course. I'd hate to be a burden. I'd hate for my parents to pay the extra five dollars a month for gas. It's not like we can afford it.

Psh, yeah right.

Her statement earns her a shrug. It's not like I even have a choice in the matter.

But, it seems, any response from me is good enough for her.

"Well, what do you want to get out of this, Hikaru?"

I shrug again, there is nothing I want from this. There is nothing this can give me. I just want to go home already - sleep in my own bed for the first time in three days.

"I think we should set some goals. What do you think about that, Hikaru?"

My jaw suddenly clenches and my knuckles grow white with strain. I can feel my brows furrow enough to give me a migraine and they refuse to let up.

But, I swear to God, if she says my name one more time, I'm going to punch out a wall.

"Hikaru?"

"Bitch, shut the fuck up!"

I regret the words the moment they escape the confines of my lips.

Immediately casting my eyes to the beige carpet, I bite my lip. I really, _really _did not mean that...

Fuck, why am I so annoyed?

As she clears her throat, my chest tightens.

Why do I always have to do things like this? I always hurt people, and it makes me sick. I mean, how selfish can I be? I'm like some kind of monster...

"I think that's enough for today. I'll see you next week, Hikaru."

Nodding slightly, I rise from my seat and head out the door.

My eyes never leave the carpet beneath my feet.

**x-x-x**

Dinner is quiet - so quiet, in fact, that it's beginning to scare me.

I haven't eaten a single bite of food, I just continue to push the green peas from one side of the plate to the other.

Eat, I try to command myself. Eat you son of a bitch!

I am making everyone worry, and I hate it. I hate the way mom and dad are so focused on the food in front of them while Kaoru is watching me with every bite he takes.

Stop worrying everyone, Hikaru! Why can't you just be normal?

And, with that, I will my hand to bring the fork to my lips, bite, and swallow.

I cringe.

Food tastes like dirt in my mouth these days. Though, I have to admit, it's a step up from hospital food.

Taking another bite, I chance another glance at my brother and I see that he's smiling ever so slightly at me - encouraging me...

God, is he beautiful... But, my gaze sadly drops and I continue to forcefully shovel food into my mouth.

_I promised myself I'd stop this_. I don't want to think of Kaoru the way I do... If he were to find out, he'd think it was the most disgusting thing in the world.

But, I can't help it...

He's perfection.

I feel dirty just thinking it. It sounds so wrong and egotistical, being his identical twin. But, it's not like that at all...

_He's _the perfect one, not me.

Most people think that when I look at him, it must be weird - like looking in a mirror. Creepy, right?

No, it's not. It's nothing like that. Those people are wrong.

When I look at Kaoru, I _see Kaoru_. That's it, just Kaoru and all his perfection, my loving brother with his ever bright smile and twinkling eyes.

When I see him, I can't help but feel like _I'm _the mirror.

I'm just a murky, stained mirror filled with splinters and cracks, an imperfect reflection of my brother.

That's all I am, his reflection.

I look down, my plate is empty...

With a small, "Excuse me," I bring my plate to the kitchen sink before heading upstairs to my room.

I'm not there, laying on the bed and analyzing the ceiling, for more than a minute before I hear the creak of floor boards just outside the room.

"You can come in, Kaoru," I call, though it's not like I can keep him out. After all, we share a room.

He creeps in slowly and cautiously, eyes wide as he takes a seat by my sprawled out form.

Our eyes don't meet.

But, before long, he silently pulls my wrist from beneath my head and pushes my sleeve up to my elbow.

"Why, Hika?" that voice is so sad. I'd never heard it so desperate and lost. That beautiful voice should never sound that sad...

And I caused it...

Immediately, I tear my arm away.

"I don't know, Kaoru," I reply softly. "Why do people do anything?"

There is silence for a moment. It's not like I am expecting an answer, anyways. I'm not even sure there _is _an answer to that question.

"Do you hate me, Hika?" it was almost too quiet to hear.

But, I heard it.

Shooting up into a sitting position, I stare at my brother in disbelief.

"What are you thinking, Kaoru? Are you crazy? Tell me you're joking," I rant, brows furrowed in desperation. How can he say such a thing about perfection?

"You carved your name into your arm... Why? Because you hate looking like me? Do you hate seeing me when you look in the mirror so much that you had to brand yourself?"

My breath catches in my throat as he speaks. How could he ever even _think _that?

"No, Kao, I -"

"But, you wanted to be different, didn't you?"

I can't really argue with that. After all, I did want to look different, but not because I hate Kaoru...

I could never hate Kaoru.

No, it's because I love him.

Why can't he see that?

I mean, how could Kaoru ever love me if I'm just his imperfect reflection? He could never love someone who looked just like him, could he?

No, he would just think it was creepy. Sure, we put on our little act for the host club, but it never went beyond that. Our act is just an act, nothing more.

That's how it'll always be.

That's why I want to change; why I want things to be different. Because if I am I different person, Kaoru might love me...

Hah, yeah right...

"Do you think I'm ugly?" Kaoru whispered, his sad eyes beginning to water.

At that moment, I pull him into my arms, ignoring the hiccup of surprise that passed through his lips.

"You are nowhere _near _ugly, Kaoru. Don't say things like that, okay? " I murmur into his light orange hair. It isn't fair how beautiful he is. It isn't fair that he can't see it.

With his small hands pressed up against my chest and forehead resting against my jaw, I have never felt closer to my brother in my life. It makes me smile and my heart begins to pound - soaring so high that it begins to hurt.

I pray that Kaoru won't be able to feel it.

"Then why did you do it? I know you'd hate it if I had done that. So, what makes it ok for you? If you don't think I'm ugly, why did you go so far to be different from me? Were identical twins after all!"

Why do you have to say such things, Kaoru? I wonder to myself as my grip tightened on his shoulder and my free hand found itself under her chin, tilting it upwards so that he could look me in the eye.

"I know, Kao. I know," I whisper, trying to keep my voice steady. "We're brothers... We'll always be brothers no matter what, right?"

I know his answer. I know what he is going to say. But, I don't want to hear it. I'd give anything to hear a different answer.

But, I know that's impossible...

There was no other answer that Kaoru could ever give me. So, I had to hear him say it...

Maybe then I'd give up on all those stupid fantasies I'd had...

For the first time, Kaoru smiles a sincere, bright smile, the tears that were building up in his eyes spilling over slightly with the pressure of his cheeks.

"Of course, Hika," he breaths. "Always."

My world shatters just like that. I can feel my shoulders shaking and heat rising in my face. Why do I have to look at that beautiful face so close to mine and yet not be able to kiss it?

It is all over. There is nothing more I could do. He will always see me as a brother and there is no changing that.

"Yeah," I whisper, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him to lay against me, his chest pressed tightly against my own.

It's not like it's unusual for us to sleep this way... But tonight is different. It's as if Kaoru isn't even with me. It's as if, for the first time in my life, I am without him.

Yet still, I wait until I can hear his heavy breathing and light snoring before I allowed myself to cry...

* * *

**To be continued!**

**What? WHAT? KANATA-SAN IS REIGA? X_X Haha sorry, I'm watching Uraboku right now *sweat drop* Anyways, I hope everyone liked the chapter. The story ends with the next chapter so please read and review! Please, I need my muse! Feed my muse! Well, no, but really, if you liked it or have any constructive criticism to offer, please do drop me a review! S'ank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, I was in club today - we have a writing club - and we went around sharing what we were working on. Well, surprise, surprise, they thought I was crazy when I told them about my twincest story, hahaha!**

**'Neeways, onwards!**

* * *

It's just another day.

Birds are chirping, fan girls are squealing; it's as if the past four days hadn't even occurred. Class is just as boring as ever, and Haruhi and Kaoru are just as friendly as they've always been.

You'd think I'd be happy - getting to see my brother smile for the first time in days. But, I just can't. As much as I want to, I can't.

Because, every time Haruhi smiles at him or laughs at his jokes, it makes my blood curl. It makes me sick to my stomach.

How dare she be so close to _my _Kaoru? How dare she try to steal him away from me?

But... What am I thinking?

They don't see each other that way... They can't... It's impossible.

That's right. I'm just overreacting...

Another snort escapes from the brunette's lips and I turn to see that she is wearing her trademark "charmed" smile that always works wonders on the boss. She has a single bent finger at the corner of her eye, trying to catch an imaginary tear.

"Oh, Kaoru," she shakes her head. "What would I ever do without you?"

A toothy grin spreads across my twins face, making him light up like a candle as he drops his hand onto her head to ruffle her hair.

Something inside me snaps.

"God! Will you two just get a fucking room already?" I bark, not even realizing the meaning of the words leaving my mouth. For a moment they just stare at me, eyes wide and smiles dropped.

Kaoru's eyes glue to the floor and he sinks down in his seat.

My heart falls as I see the look on his face; it's the same one from yesterday...

It's just me then I guess. I'm the only one making him miserable.

Why? Why do I always cause him pain? I don't want to be the one to make him sad; I want to be the only one who wipes away his tears. I want to be the one who takes away his pain.

I want to be that special someone - the one he'll always runs to when he's upset. I want to be his best friend, his only love, _his world. _

But, I guess that'll never happen...

I guess I'll always just be this selfish, possessive, imperfect monster...

"Hikaru, is something wrong?" Haruhi asks, her voice soft and concerned.

I know I should be thankful that she cares. She's worried about me when I can't even bring _myself _to be. I should be nice to her, grateful that she's here, but I just can't.

I can't bring myself to smile or even look her in the eye.

I'm afraid that if I face her, I might yell at her. Because, I _want _to yell at her. Oh God, how I want to. I want to push her desk to the opposite side of the room so that I can be alone with my Kaoru. I want to tell her to stay away from my brother because...

He's _my Kaoru_, not hers. _Mine._

I'm sick of feeling this way.

I sick of that irritated feeling I get when he's around other people.

I'm sick of getting my hopes up and dreaming up these fantasies and realizing they can never come true.

And I'm sick of being so goddamn selfish.

I let my eyes hit the floor as I whisper, "No, I'm fine," and turn back to face the front.

**x-x-x**

I cover my eyes as I lean back on the couch. Kyouya is off somewhere with his clipboard and Honey-senpai is asleep on Mori's lap. I can't help but envy them. They have meaning in their life. Kyouya is always working hard to achieve his goals, and I bet that, when he's older, he'll be proud of his work. Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai might not even realize it yet, but they'll always have each other. Not even death could tear those two apart.

I wish I could be that way with Kaoru again. For a while, I used to get so mad. I kept thinking that if we hadn't met Takami and Haruhi, maybe we'd still be the way we were in middle school. I couldn't help but wonder if Kaoru might grow to love me if it had stayed just the two of us.

And there I go again, with my crazy fantasies.

I need to stop before I drive myself crazy.

But, there's a tugging on my heart.

I don't even understand my own feelings. Am I the only person in the world who can be both happy and sad all at once? I smile every time I think of Kaoru, yet still I want to cry.

Just the thought of Kaoru makes me unbelievable happy... But, at the same time, I want to cry knowing that such perfection will never be mine.

What do you call that emotion...?

Could it be...love?

The double doors open once again and the girls begin to enter one by one, as if they were waiting in a line outside the door.

I can see a few regulars coming my way, searching around for my missing half.

"Hikaru, where's Kaoru?" one asks, taking a seat across from me.

I shrug, though the fact that he isn't with me makes me nervous.

He's not with Haruhi, is he?

My finger twitches against the arm of the sofa.

He can't be kissing her right now, there's no way. They can't be together. They can't be alone somewhere in a room... Together... Two teenagers...

God, why do you love to torture me with such thoughts?

"I'm right here, silly. Now move over, big butt," Koaru laughs.

I turn to face him and I can see his bright smile. Though, I can also see that it's fake. He must still be upset about earlier.

It dawns on me that maybe he wasn't with Haruhi - maybe he was late because he was avoiding me...

Makes sense,_ I_ don't even want to be near me right now...

_STOP_. My mind screams at me. I can't allow myself to think like that. Not in front of these girls, not in front of Kaoru.

"Fine then," Kaoru huffs, crossing his arms and pouting. "If you don't want to move, I'll just have to sit on your lap."

This catches my attention. I hadn't even realized that he'd asked me to move, let alone that I was taking up all the space on the couch.

But, I'm too late. Kaoru plops down onto my thigh, one leg hanging over the arm of the couch, and shoots me wide eyes as he wraps his arms around my neck.

For a moment, I'm stunned. I'm lost in his eyes. I'm wondering if my brother is actually sitting on my lap or if I'm just dreaming. I can feel my heart beginning to pound and my cheeks beginning to burn up until...

The girls squeal suddenly, reminding me that this is all just an act.

"Is it ok if I sit here, Hika?" he murmurs, biting his lip.

I can't help but gulp. This is just an act, Hikaru. You've done it a thousand times. Hurry up, say something, the girls are waiting.

As if by instinct, my hand finds itself as his cheek, pulling him closer to me.

"Of course you can, Kaoru. I'll let you do anything to me."

A soft pink slightly dusts his cheeks as he averts his gaze.

"It's not fair how you always tease me like that," he says. I can feel the girls clinging to every word, feeding off our little production. I know Kaoru can feel it too. But, I know he's just playing along, giving the crowd what they want.

Me... Well, I'm just being honest...

The host club is the only time I can be honest with him.

I can confess my love for him without a single worry of him thinking I am a freak... None of it will be taken seriously anyways...

"I'm not teasing you, Kaoru. I mean it," I mutter, leaning my forehead against his, my breath falling against his cheek and around his shoulders.

An intake of breath. "You mean it?" he asks me.

I simply nod.

"So, I can kiss you, nii-san?"

My heart stops.

This is an act. This is an act. This is an act.

Don't forget that, Hikaru. Never forget that.

"If that's what you wish," I whisper, my thumb tracing his jaw.

He leans closer, angling his chin up so that our noses touch and his lips are mere inches from my own.

I can't look away. I want to, but I can't look away. They're so pink. They've always been so pink... and soft... and perfect.

Stop! Hikaru! STOP!

But he's so close. How can I not close the distance?

I can feel his breath on my lips and I feel like it's really happening.

It's really going to happen. I lean in slightly closer and I can feel the ghost of his lips on mine. We're not even a hair's breath away.

And then, he pulls back and giggles.

The girls, who had been on the edge of their seats, sit back and groan in defeat. However, I down turn to them.

I'm still watching Kaoru. My eyes are wide and still locked onto his lips.

"Hehe, sorry girls," he says, moving to escape my lap.

Stupid...

Idiot...

How could I even think I was going to get what I want?

I told my self to stop. I knew it was all just an act.

So why did I let myself think for even a moment that I...

No.

Don't cry... Not here.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't...

_Hic._

I feel my shoulders shake and my fists clench.

"H-Hikaru?" I heard Kaoru call, looking up at me from his seat on my lap.

You idiot...

_Plip._

A crystal droplet fell against Kaoru's face, sliding down his cheek.

That's it. I can't take this anymore.

Without warning, I push my brother off my lap and dash out of music room #3.

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**Ok, so I decided to cut chapter two into two parts. I wanted to just finish it, but It was getting to be too long. No worries though, my dear friends and readers I WILL update soon! Promises for everyone. I'm so grateful to those of you who reviewed. That you all so much, you're all amazing. It made me so happy, so I just had to update for you all.**

**Thanks for reading, see you soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello and welcome back! Thank you for all those marvelous reviews you've given me, I couldn't be happier! Here's a quick shout out to everyone that reviewed: HIIIIIKAAAAARUUUU, Boku-no-Tobii, puuruin, RaexxBB, PriinceJohnnyRainbows, The-Unknown-Artist, sweetrandomnonsense, anonymus, , blackdragon9890,GooeyGummiBears, SakuraKiss96, and brings074065. I love you all. Also, thank you for your suggestion, The-Unknown-Artist. Though I wasn't quite sure how to make that happen and have her react to it, it did help. You see, I started to write this chapter a different way, but it was way super boring. After reading your review, I decided to put the therapist in once more and it came out much better. So, thank you very much for that! And whoever reads this and likes it should thank you too *nods* You're a life saver!**

'**Neeways, onwards!**

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"Just die already!" I scream at the TV, flinging my controller at the lit up screen. As it comes into contact with the glass, a loud clank echoes around the walls of my room. Though, I'm surprised it didn't break the screen, I can't say I'm relieved.

I really want to break something, anything.

With a sigh, I run one hand through my hair and lean back on the other.

Why am I here?

I can feel my face turning red and my skin beginning to heat up.

My eyes narrow. Don't, I tell myself, I swear to God, if you do that….

My fingers curl into fists.

What am I doing?

It's been over an hour since I got home, so why am I still frustrated over this? When did it come to this? When did I let myself have such strong feelings for such a forbidden person?

I just wish…that I could stop all these thoughts.

I don't want to love Kaoru. I don't want to think he's beautiful. I'm sick of wanting to touch him, kiss him, be close to him.

I almost wish…that he wasn't even my brother.

A petty scoff escapes my lips.

Where would I even be without him? I wouldn't be myself, that's for sure. I wouldn't have all my memories – the ones I cherish.

A small, warm trail makes its way down my cheek. Damn it, I think to myself. I let one escape.

I guess, this is the least I can do for him. I can give him my pain, and then maybe I'll be forgiven for this sin…. Then maybe God will lift this curse from my shoulders.

There's a knock at my door, but before I can even answer, it opens.

"Hikaru, sweetie," my mother whispers from behind the half opened door. "Are you in here?"

I immediately wipe the tear from my chin and turn to her with a smile.

"Yeah, mom. I was just playing some video games. What's up?"

"Your therapist is here, I'm going to send her in. Is that ok?" she asks, innocently.

I bite my lip. Though she's acting all sweet and innocent, I know my mother better than that. She probably called that bitch over. She probably figured something was seriously wrong for me to skip club.

I've _never _skipped the host club.

"Yeah, sure thing."

****Hijirikawa+Ren****

Was it as bad as I thought?

No, it was worse.

I mean, come on lady, how dense can you be?

"I think the real problem here, Hikaru, is you."

Jesus Christ! Who says that to someone they think is suicidal? Isn't she supposed to be trying to support me?

"Yeah?" I ask, resentment thickly entwined in my tone. "How do you figure?"

"Well, Hikaru," she starts, leaning back like she's all high and might and shit. Who does she think she is? "You seem to want everyone to see you in a certain way. But, you have to understand, people only see what you let them see. Isn't that right?"

This bitch knows nothing! She talks like she can read me like a book, but she doesn't know the first word! She doesn't know my problems or how I feel about things. I wish she'd just stay the fuck out!

"Eh, I don't really care what people think about me," I murmur, sounding uninterested. I'll never let her know that she's getting under my skin.

"Oh, really?" she raises an eyebrow. "Then tell me why you took a razor and carved your name into your arm."

I sigh. She's got the wrong idea. I didn't do that for just anyone. I'd stopped caring about other people a long time ago. I'd stopped hoping they'd be able to tell me apart from my brother.

However, I don't intend to tell her this. Instead, I give her some lame, bullshit excuse, "…was bored."

Her eyes narrow.

Damn, I could've done better than that.

"Come on, Hikaru. Now, we both know that isn't true."

I puff out a breath as I lean my hand against my palm.

This game has gotten to be boring. I don't want to play it anymore….

Sigh…. I guess I've forgotten that this really isn't a game, it's life.

Starting at that moment, there's silence between the two of us. I don't like talking to her, and I'm sure she doesn't care what happens with me as long as she's getting her check.

The clock keeps ticking away, the seconds taking minutes to pass. I lean back in my chair and watch the ground. As much as I don't want to talk to her, I hate this silence.

Whenever it's quiet, the only thing I can do is think. Right now, thinking is the last thing I want to be doing.

All I want is for these thoughts of Kaoru to leave me the fuck alone!

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Hika?" a voice calls, speak of the devil.

Right, my eyes flicker to the alarm clock on the night stand. It's just about time for him to be getting home. How did I not notice?

I hear the door creak open and I bury my face in my palm. I'm so embarrassed. After I left the host club, I ran all the way home without stopping. I just wanted to get as far away from my brother as humanly possible.

So, why was I disappointed when he didn't run after me?

My jaw clenches.

"Oh, hello. You must be Kaoru," my therapist says, perking up immediately. "Come in, come in. Wow, I have to say, you two really _are _identical, aren't you?"

I can hear Kaoru laugh. He's probably rubbing the back of his neck and blushing in that cute way he always does.

It makes me sick…

"Haha, yeah, well, we may be identical, but Hikaru's got all the brains," he chuckles, I feel the bed dip as he takes a seat next to me, but I still refuse to look up.

I don't want him to see my face….

I know he'll be able to tell that I was crying…

"Well, my time's just about up, is there anything you want to talk about before I go?" my therapist asks as she begins to store her papers back in her briefcase.

I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak.

"How about you, Kaoru?"

"Oh, no, that's ok," he replies sheepishly. "I'm fine."

"Alright then, I'll see you tomorrow."

The sound of footsteps slowly begins to recede and as I hear the door close, I stand up.

"Hikaru?" I hear my brother call, but I don't turn. "Hikaru, what happened to you today?"

"Nothing, I'm sorry for worrying you," I murmur and make my way to the door. Just as I'm about to turn the door knob, a firm grasp wraps itself around my wrist.

"You think I'm going to take that as an answer? What is it, Hikaru? When did you suddenly decide to keep things from me?"

I lean my head against the door and let my bangs cover my eyes. I can feel them heating up and turning red.

But, no, I refuse to cry right now.

"When did you decide that you can't share your feelings with me?" he asks.

When I realized I'm in love with you, I want to say. But, I can't possibly go sprouting lines like that. I can't let him know….

If he finds out, he'll just end up growing farther and farther from me.

Then we'll really become two different people.

"I'm not going to let this go, Hikaru! Not until you give me an answer!"

He tugs at my wrist; he's trying to get me to talk, to spill the truth.

It's pissing me off, making me snap. I can't control it. He keeps pushing me until I snap.

You want my answer so bad, Karou? I'll give you my fucking answer!

I suddenly twist my wrist around in his palm so that now I'm the one grabbing _his_ wrist.

I've got one shot with this, I tell myself as I narrow my eyes. This is my only shot, so I better make it count.

I pull him forward and slam him against the door. The impact is so strong that it sends his head flying forward and the door into a fit of shutters. My free hand comes up to smash against the door beside his ear and I can see him flinch.

I know I'm scaring him….

But, I don't care.

"You really want to know, Kaoru? You want to know why I'm done telling you how I feel?" I growl.

He stares up at me with wide, frightened eyes, but he manages to nod his head ever so slightly.

What am I doing…?

I lean forward ever so slightly to rest my forehead against his.

"It's because I hate you Kaoru," I whisper.

I can feel him stiffen beneath me before he begins to tremble.

"Y-you hate me, Hikaru?" he questions, his voice breaking.

Silence.

Can he really be that dense? Can he really not see what he does to me? Can he be so perfect as to not even realize how amazing he is?

…Of course he can, he _is _Kaoru after all.

"Yeah, I do," I tell him.

My grip on his wrist softens until I let it fall completely. I find myself wrapping my arms around his thin waist before I even realize what I'm doing.

"I hate the way you smile and the way you cheer me up when I'm down. I hate that stupid laugh of yours and the way your hair always smells like strawberries. But, I guess, most of all, I hate the way you make me feel."

"T-the way I make you feel, nii-san?" he murmurs.

I press his body closer against mine. I can feel his heartbeat. It's irritating that being so close to me doesn't affect him at all.

"You go around, acting so cute. What do you expect me do?" I ask, pulling back slightly to look him in the eye. "You honestly think I don't want to kiss you?"

His face instantly burns brighter than a candle.

Finally, I think to myself. I've been waiting for so long to feel his heart start beating fast.

"K-kiss me?" he stutters.

I know it's a question. I know he doesn't quite understand what I'm trying to tell him. But, I can't pass up this opportunity.

So, I decide to take his words as a request.

"Sure," I smile, locking the door before pressing my lips against his.

My heart stops.

They…they're so soft. They're softer than I could've ever imagined. They're like heaven soft silk against my own. Oh, Kaoru, how could you have kept such bliss from me? You're just too cruel.

I can't resist it, the temptation.

He tries to push me away. His fingers are digging so deep into my arms that it's beginning to sting. I wonder for a minute if it's bleeding, but the thought slithers away and I loose myself in the softness of his lips again.

It's just not enough to feel them; I want to taste them….

I pull back for a mere second to take a breath.

"Hikaru, w-what are you…"

My lips crash into his again. But this time, my tongue peeks out to flick against his soft, light pink cushions.

Mmm, they taste like tea. The corners of my mouth curl up slightly. Of course they do, he must have been drinking some at the host club.

Did I ever mention how much I fucking love tea? Without even thinking, I take his bottom lip into my mouth and suck on it lightly.

The moan that escapes him is just about the sexiest thing I've ever heard in my life. However, I can't fully enjoy it since he keeps squirming against me, trying the release himself from my grasp.

I refuse to let him get away from me. Not after I've gotten this far.

I intend to go all the way…. As far as I can go.

My hand journeys to his waistline, lifting up the hem of his shirt so it can venture underneath. It hovers just over Kaoru's flesh, almost too scared to touch it.

But, I can't resist. I have to know what his skin feels like.

I press my hand against his skin; it's soft and warm – just as it is in my dreams.

My lips trail down to his jaw and I kiss down his neck as my hand rises.

He gasps as my thumb brushes over his nipple, "H-Hikaru!"

That's right, Kaoru, say my name…. I swear to God, I'll make you scream it all night.

"S-stop it! Hikaru! What are you…!"

His words are cut off by a moan as I roll his nipple between my fingers and dip my tongue into the shallow of his collar bone.

"Do you really want me to stop, Kaoru?"

"Y-yes!" he pants.

"It doesn't sound like it. It actually sounds like you're enjoying this. You are, aren't you?" I ask, and even _I'm _surprised by the snake like tone of my voice.

"No!" he denies, but I know better. He may not want to enjoy this, but his body can't help but react.

"Don't lie to me."

My hand leaves his chest and ventures back down to his waist. One finger at a time, I slowly ease my hand into his pants.

"H-Hikaru! Stop it! It isn't funny anymore! Cut it out!" he cries, but they fall onto deaf ears.

This was never supposed to be funny. This was never a joke.

Before I go any farther, I lean in closely, my lips just inches from his ear, and whisper, "I love you, Kaoru."

His breathing suddenly stops and his eyes widen.

I'm glad….

He finally understands now.

In a swift, fluid movement, I grab hold of his wrist and fling him onto our bed.

I wonder if he understands what's going to happen. I wonder if he'll hate me when all this is over.

The thought almost makes me stop, apologize, and run out the door. But, it's too late. I can't have _just a taste. _I want – no, _I need _– it all. I need all of him. If it means I can finally get what I need, I'll deal with the aftermath later.

For now, I'm going to take what I want.

I straddle his hips and lean forward to kiss him again. There are tears at the corners of his eyes, he looks so hurt. It almost makes me want to….

No, I can't stop now….

"I'm so sorry, Kaoru," I whisper and his eyes widen, causing the tears to fall down his cheeks and stain the bed sheets.

My hand dips back under his pants and I watch him as I grab hold of his dick. He blushes darker than a rose and turns away from me, shutting his eyes tight.

He must be embarrassed…that he's rock hard because of his brother.

Sadly enough, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean he loves me.

It's just his body's reaction.

"Kaoru, does this feel good?" I murmur as I run my thumb up and down his clothed member.

I can see the bob of his Adam's apple as he gulps. He still won't look at me.

But, he nods.

I lower myself so that my head is near the bulge in his pants before I remove the clothes that separate us.

He's bigger than I imagined. I always saw him as my little brother, but I guess I really can't say that anymore.

I almost can't even believe this is about to happen, but it is. I glance up at him for a moment; his hands are clenching the bed sheets as if he's holding on for dear life. And, he still hasn't opened his eyes. They're still tightly jammed shut and his brows are furrowed in concentration.

He must be pretending I'm Haruhi. Though the thought hurts, I can't say I blame him. I'm sure he's straight, besides, who would want to do such a thing with their own brother?

I guess I really am just some sick monster…. But, oh well, what could you do?

Carefully, I give the tip of his member a slow lick. I've never done this before, but for Kaoru, I'll try my best.

"A-ah," he whimpers, his hips pushing closer to my mouth on instinct.

It makes me happy to know I can elicit such a response from him, despite the fact that, to him I'm probably not me right now.

I still want to hear more.

Slowly, I slide his whole length into my mouth, sucking and giving small licks as I bob my head.

"Ahh!" this moan is louder and drawn out. I can tell he's enjoying this, much to his dismay. He tastes amazing, too. It makes me move faster, taking in more of him each time. The more he pants the faster I go until I can tell he's close.

"D-don't!" he pleads, eyes still glued shut. "I-I'm going to…"

I immediately let his dick pop out of my mouth.

He can't cum yet – not here, not now.

…not until I'm inside him.

"Kaoru," I whisper. His eyes finally crack open and he watches me in a half lidded daze. I offer him two fingers. "Suck."

But, he doesn't move. I can tell he's confused. He doesn't know why I want him to do it….

He's such a virgin.

So, I push my fingers passed his lips until he has no choice but to comply. Around a minute later I pull them back out and place them at his entrance.

"W-wait. What are y-you…"

I ignore him and slide one finger inside.

"A-ah!" he groans, his hands flying up to grab my shoulders in an attempt to pull me away. "D-don't! N-not there!"

"Shhh," I purr. "I promise I'll make you feel good Kaoru. If nothing else, I'll give you so much pleasure…."

His nails stop digging into my back and they shakily wrap around my neck. It makes my heart stop and I look up at him in confusion.

Past the pain in his eyes, there's something else that I just can't place.

"I-I trust you, Hikaru…"

Oh….

My heart sinks….

He said my name…. Could it be that he isn't trying to pretend I'm someone else? Could it be that maybe – just maybe – he's ok with this?

No, he couldn't be, it's pretty much rape…. But maybe, he knows this is what I need and he's baring though it just for me….

My free hand bushes a stray stand of hair from his forehead.

I'm so sorry, Kaoru…. For being such a monster.

"I love you," I hum sadly before I ease my other finger inside and begin the scissoring motions.

I can hear his grunt of pain as I feel my way inside him, searching.

It's okay, Kaoru, I want to say. The pain will be gone soon. Just let me find –

"Ah!" he suddenly moans, his head flying back.

Found it.

I pull my fingers out and position myself before him.

"H-Hikaru!" he pants, his eyes wide in fear as he watches me. "I-I don't t-think I can…"

I quiet him with a soft kiss.

"It'll be okay. I'll be gentle."

My lips stay tightly pressed against his as I slide into him.

He's so tight and warm that the second I'm fully inside I feel like I might already cum.

Though, I can't waste this moment like that.

Vibrations shoot through my lips as I realize Kaoru in groaning against me. He isn't relaxed, he's a virgin. This must be so painful for him.

The taste of salt suddenly invades my senses, alerting me that Kaoru was crying.

Fuck, I think to myself. What kind of a bastard am I? How could I do this to him?

"I'm so sorry," I whimper over and over again, kissing his tears away.

After a minute, I pull out and slowly slide back in, searching for that one spot.

"H-Hika—"

His scream makes me stop. Did I hurt him? Fear shoots through me, but by the look on his face, I can tell he's fine.

Well, better than fine.

He looks like he's in pure bliss.

"A-again," he whimpers and I gladly comply.

I start off slow, gently easing him into the rhythm. I don't want to hurt him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. But, he for long, he begins to push down to meet my thrusts, urging me to move faster and harder.

So, I pick up my pace, complying with his needs as I reach out to pump his dick in time with my thrusts.

"Hikaru!" he cries out. I can tell it's beginning to be too much for him. It's the same for me.

I move my hand faster and he clings to my hips, creating crescent shaped dents with his nails.

Once, twice, three times, I can't stop myself, I'm so close.

So close…. Almost there…

My breath catches suddenly as I reach my limit, and I bite down on Kaoru's neck as I cum inside of him. The sensation of my seed filling him up sends my brother over the edge and he cums against my stomach, panting and murmuring my name over and over.

I intertwine my fingers with his as I whisper, "What is it, Kaoru?"

"Is this how you've felt about me all this time, Hikaru?"

My eyes drift closed as I rest against the softness of his chest. I'm not sure what I should do. Should I tell him and have him think I'm even more of a freak than I already am? Or should I lie and continue to keep my true feelings secret?

Well, I already fucked him. What more do I have to lose?

"Yes," I whisper. "Always."

"Do you really love me?"

"Kaoru, if I could, I'd go out and buy you the most expensive ring I could find and we'd get married."

Silence….

"But, isn't that bad? Aren't boys supposed to get married to girls?"

What is this irritation building up inside of me?

"You think I care what people say we're _supposed_ to do? I want to marry the person I love – the person I've been in love with my whole life. Nothing could ever stop me."

It's the truth, but I'm almost scared of what his reaction will be. A minute passes and slowly, his arms wrap loosely around my waist.

"I'm happy that I can make you feel good, nii-san. I'm not sure what I should do or if what we just did was bad. But, when you came, it made me really happy… Because, _I _made you cum."

I lift my head to look at him. Is he really saying this?

He gives me a small smile before he continues, "Hikaru, I want to be the one who makes you happy. Do you think that, maybe, you can let me love you the same way you love me?"

Is this really happening, I wonder to myself. It can't be….

But, who cares? Even if this is just a dream, I've never been happier in my life….

My hand reached out slowly to cup his chin as I placed a small kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"You don't even have to ask, Kaoru."

* * *

**Holey crap! I can't believe it's finally over! I think I'm going to pass out from exhaustion! I'm sorry it was so long, and it got a little crappy at the end, I'm just so tired right now, but I wanted to give everyone an update. You are all just too good to be true! All those lovely reviews made me cry a river of joyful tears! Thank you all so much for reading and leaving your reviews. I hope you all enjoyed it. One final request, please review one last time!**

**Thank you, lovelies! -Xx. Chelsea . Smile .xX**


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